January 30, 2012
By moyma
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Moyma goes to Hollywood Pt 3
If you want a recap – http://www.moyma.co.uk/site/2012/01/moyma-goes-to-hollywood-pt-1/and http://www.moyma.co.uk/site/2012/01/moyma-goes-to-hollywood-pt-2/
I am in the corridor looking the script that I am soon to perform to a camera. The theatrical sands of time were against me and I am really struggling to hold my nerve.
Just to point out here. Not at any point did I think about the people who were going to be sent the footage in the States, my mission was literally to get through it without crumbling and stay as clear headed as possible.
Nothing is going in my head as I read and the casting director turns up and introduces herself. She is sweet and friendly to me and engages in conversation but my mind is preoccupied with the fact I have lines to learn and I cant remember my own telephone number sometimes. I think she sensed my anxiety and after asking me if i needed a drink she leaves. It would have been more helpful if she had asked if I wanted a back massage and 4 pints of lager.
I am trying to recite my lines without the whole office hearing it and then…yep, you guessed it…Richard the Mofo Macbeth – Mr Actor from the toilet turns up.
So he was an actor and once we both realise we are going for the same role he looks at me with an air of competition and victory. This geezer looks like an actor and I look like a yoot off the street. I was wearing the usual – shirt, jeans and cap. I feel like kicking him in the codpiece but refrain as I have work to do.
Just on a side note…I was asked recently why I have so many checkered shirts. I bought a couple and while my Mum was on holiday in the States she brought back a truck load for me without my prompting. I told her the amount she had bought me was a bit over the top. Her response…’maybe you could become a cowboy.’ Haha very funny.
20 mins goes like 5 and it felt I wasn’t going remember anymore from the script…it was wing it time. Bob calls me into the torcher chamber.
He goes through the basics again and reminds me to not look at the camera at any point. The camera is to the side of me and Bob is directly in front of me, I try not to drift into the land of ‘what the hec am I doing here?’ and we go for a take.
Take 1
Bob starts the dialogue and I come in…this was my moment of truth. I could practice keeping my mind clear and prove to myself that I wont flake…I look at Bob and burst out laughing. Bob graciously says ‘lets try again’ and I ungraciously blame him for smiling. He again graciously points to script where it says his character smiles. Nice, this is going well.
Take 2
Bob starts…and…I first look at the camera and then go into the most intense over acting known to man, I find a veiled way of looking at the script, pause…look the camera again…and then do more intense acting. This is going even better than I had thought.
Take 3
Bob starts and as I come in with my lines I felt a white haze fall over my head. I was no longer in the room and a brain dead zombie had taken over my body and was reciting the recently half learnt lines. The look on my face was kinda like – ‘the lights were on but no one was home.’ I think no one was home and the lights were off too.
Bob senses my struggle and gives me some pointers. Bob: ‘Try and look at me while I am saying my lines and listen to what I say, it looks like you are concentrating on remembering your lines and not interacting with the dialogue. You can see it in your eyes, you look glazed over.’ Yeh? Really? No sh*t Sherlock, this whole scenario is like kryptonite. I have a camera pointing at me which may as well be an AK47, Richie the Macbeth is out in the corridor reciting sonnets while grabbing his Shakespearean cod piece and barking ‘woof,’ while he learns his lines and hopes I fail. I am having to remember lines I have been given 20 minutes ago…and I have to do an accent, yeh thats right. I didn’t mention that bloody curve ball. You aint getting that story unless you buy me dinner. Let me point out here, Bob was amazing, he got me through this and I am in no way dissing him. I felt at ease and was able to not pass-out because of him. Respect to the Bob.
This acting ish is hard. To suspend disbelief in the audience you have to suspend disbelief in your own mind. I know, I know, you’re thinking that is obvious. Yeh? well you try it. Go down to your local police station, walk in and pretend to be a French man who has lost their dog, see if you can convince them. If you can…Il buy you dinner!
So Bob coaches me very effectively and we go for another take.
Take 4
This time I dont look at the script at all I just do what I think works and just get through it. I cant say it was amazing and although I didn’t crumble and my head wasn’t totally clear, I did the best I could and didn’t fall into a heap convulsing and frothing at the mouth.
The last ordeal was the slates – a front shot and two side profiles. I hated this bit as much as the other stuff. I know I am no oil painting and in fact a Granny kindly told me recently that she thought I had a voice for T.V. but it was a shame as I have a face for radio. Thanks granny. If I ever see her down the bingo hall, while she is preoccupied with number crunching, I will tie her Clarks’ shoes laces together. See how her hip replacement deals wid dem apples 
So after the slates we are done. Bob doesn’t really give much away as to how bad I was but I was just glad it was over.
So the moral of this story? Always carry a pen? A codpiece makes you a real actor? Shout woof like Rik Mayall in Blackadder to intimidate competition? or face your fears? I guess you will have to work that one out but I would go for the last one. I don’t have it locked down but you have to start somewhere innit. I wrote all this to entertain but hopefully you will take a punt on something…or someone?
The twist in this tale is…somehow…and God only knows how…I got shortlisted for the film, what happens next is irrelevant I aint trying to hit the big screen. The point of my mission was accomplished. Job done.
OK Nuff chit-chat as this is turning into Trisha, music coming soon. Hiphop Podcast with @ http://www.associatedminds.com/
thankyou for tuning in. pz
